Covid hits home

I wrote the following while sitting in my mom’s house in ND last December. I’ve been thinking I’d finish it, polish it up, etc. But here it is–real, raw, & quite unedited. As a follow up, she is well! The Lord granted us more time. She is not back to baseline, but getting there. A little stronger every day.

I intend (as always) to write more-but no promises. Whether you’re seeing updates, pics, or FB posts know we are all well in KS living & loving our Blessed Mayhem life–

-December 2021-

A bar of soap.

That’s how long I’ve been here. Long enough to use an entire bar of soap. Not a hotel one, an actual, full sized bar of soap.

Up and out the door in the dark, freezing cold. 13-14 hours in her room at the hospital & back home again in the dark, freezing cold. Mike waits for me & helps me: cooks for me, helps with whatever I need, watches TV with me until I can’t keep my eyes open another minute. We always start the night with a debrief of her day & I often drink a can of Miller Light. Standing in her kitchen. Exhausted.

I was really only truly scared  for the 1st six or seven  days. Then the marathon set in. She was getting better, &  certainly not out of the woods, but improving and certainly not scaring my ECMO & ICU hardened heart. I’ve held precious babies & children while they died. Held parents while they held their babies. Tried comforting husbands & siblings. Turned off machines keeping kids alive while families wept silently or pleaded loudly for God to give them a miracle. Tidied up rooms that looked like a war zone-a result of our futile efforts to save someone’s son or daughter.

But this is different-it is MY MOM. I’ve heard friend & families speak of 2 different lives, before & after. I’ve quietly wondered how vastly different it could feel-knowing with certainty it was true. Life on earth with, and then without your mom.

I do not want this to happen yet. Never ready I suspect. But with 4 kids still to be raised & a totally wonky world to be navigated, I feel surely it is not her time to leave me.